In my usual style of trying too hard to do things right I made a discovery today. Sometimes its something really simple and you just aren’t paying attention.
I was having a week like the one described in the poster.
- Exhausted – check
- Hard to get things done – check
- Don’t feel like getting out of my pj’s at all – check
- Can’t make sense of the smallest things and the big things are absolutely overwhelming. – check
- I’d rather not see anyone or go anywhere (partly because I’m in my pj’s and can’t figure out how to get dressed let alone have a shower or put on makeup.) – check
- And I don’t have any spare time because all I do is sleep – check
The advice posted after this lovely list, for which I was so well qualified, was to do some things for oneself. Take time for yourself. A little pampering perhaps.
Being quite familiar with depression and the state of mind which accompanies it I made an assumption that what I needed was to follow this advice and I would begin to feel better. I somehow forgot the great advice I give so often to others that depression isn’t something you can make go away.
Learning some new self care skills and habits is actually part of an assignment I have for a course I am taking. My instructor told me I had to do some work on being kind to myself and pampering me. She wants me to understand the concept of self love.
Another article I read this morning about women my age also suggests that my generation of women feel much too guilty when we do things for ourselves and unless we are doing for someone else we don’t feel we have any value.
So I’ve been getting the message and working on some things to look after myself, even pamper myself a bit. I’ve been getting a massage about once every two months which seems pretty extravagant for me but I sure feel better for it. I have been learning to meditate and take time every day to blog and write the Examine. I’ve gotten back to doing yoga at least four times a week and can almost touch my toes again.
So far it doesn’t seem too far fetched but on Friday I really blew the wad. I went to a salon and had my first ever facial, then got a pedicure and a manicure. Talk about extravagance. I’m not sure the guilt will subside until I’m about 80.
So this brings us to today. I was supposed to be feeling all good about myself for having taken care of myself but I did not. In fact when I leaned over in yoga I almost landed on my face from dizziness and my stomach did a major flip flop. I suddenly realized something was very wrong so I headed to the blood pressure cuff and did a little test. Seems my numbers are a bit wonky so I’ve spent the rest of the day doing everything I know to do to get them down, including an extra shot of blood pressure meds and a trip to the hot tub. If it’s still like this in the morning I may have to break down and see a doctor.
The moral of my story is that while I was busy doing all this stuff to make myself feel better and feeling badly because it wasn’t working there was actually something else going on and I was so busy being busy at doing things that I didn’t notice.
Sometimes I just need to sit and pay attention to myself rather than listening to all the messages pouring in at me.