I wrote this a few months ago and it has set here waiting to be published. Now is the time. I am still learning the lessons but this beginning was a gift from God and my friend Georgia.
This picture reminded me of me. I’m in a solitary place in my life where I have to allow things to unfold and where I can find the path which leads to a fuller life, rather than one which is just filled with paying bills and dying.
Sometimes things unfold in just the right way and sometimes that unfolding is frightening because it seems we don’t really have control of it.
Seeking has always been the way of my life. Seeking happiness, seeking the good things of life, seeking to love and support those most important to me, seeking purpose and value. Most of all though my seeking has been for the face and the voice of the Divine.
Needless to say, I have missed the mark on many counts. It might even seem I have failed miserably, especially in the things most important. In spite of the failures and the faltering, I still seek all those things and now I realise there is only one seeking which I cannot fail at. That is the seeking of the Divine.
Call that God, or Creator or the Divine Feminine or whatever works for you but for me this great power which sustains me in life, is the “I AM”, my God.
As my life has twisted and turned over the past few years with tragedy, heartache and disappointment my feet have been lead down new paths of seeking which I never imagined I would travel. A series of strange circumstances led me through personal grief, job losses, disappointment about career choices I thought I wanted. The changes took me through training as an executive coach, and now into training as a spiritual director.
Along the way, there has been joy, some fun, new friendships, renewed friendships. None of it has been easy but all of it has led me to this place and time where I have to look deeply into what I want from life and where I will go on the journey from here.
I left it to the Divine and another series of coincidences seemed to lead me to a quiet spot not far from the beach. My friend needed a house sitter and a dog sitter for a month and I needed some time to look at my life, work on some things which have been too long unfinished and to learn some skills and habits which will take me through what remains of this precious life.
As I sat quietly at the dinner table in this sweet 200-year-old home I felt I was in a magical place. The very walls are teaching about living in the moment. That is a very hard thing for someone who likes order and no surprises. I have to take each moment as it comes and not allow circumstances to throw me curves which ruin the peace I need in my heart to do the work I believe I’m called to do.
It is not in the big things that I’m learning to live in the moment but in the small. My computer wouldn’t access the internet earlier. I found myself in a panic because I had things to do. A blog needed to be written for Tuesday. There are web pages that need to be worked on.
The old panic began to rise in me and suddenly I remembered that I need to breathe and embrace the moment. The world would not collapse if I waited one more day to begin the work I need to do. If I truly want to follow the leading of the great spirit then perhaps I just need to take another day to settle into my temporary home and breathe. There were several little reminders like that all day. Little things but a lesson in each that I just need to slow down and live in the moment.
I sat at the little table under the old lamp, with bright red flowers reflecting in front of me from the table to the window. The warm yellow light that reflects from old wood surrounded me and I felt the glow of peace. Mindfully, as best I know, I ate my meal slowly and deliberately, not allowing the troubles of the day to steal the moment from me.
I had not arrived but I was beginning to get it. The panic was gone and I really tasted food for the first time in a very long time. All was well with the world and my soul and I began to breathe in hope and breath out worry.
When I left the table I came to plug my phone into the computer so it would charge. I was going to just go out to other room and enjoy a movie, some tea and do some crocheting. Much to my surprise when I hit the button on the computer for the internet it worked.
Oh, why am I surprised?