Honouring Pain

img_0666It’s been 16 years.  I had him as long as I have been without him but somehow the pain is still deep and the wound opens again as I approach this day which reminds me of the greatest loss of my life. October 5, 2000 is the day a piece of my heart vanished.

My son was the joy of many lives, not just mine.  Bryan was the embodiment of laughter and love.  He was the glue which held our little family together but we did not know that until we had flown apart.  His smile lit every day of his life, even the last one, but since that day smiles have been hard to find at times.

Now, 16 years later I can still hear his voice calling,me in the night.  I can still hear his hearty laugh and the booming of his big feet on the stairs.  I long for the peck on the cheek as he bounds past me on the porch.  I want to hear his friends calling him from the yard.  I wish I could hear his sisters laughing with him as they chase each other down the beach.

16 years ago Bryan ended his life and we thought ours would end too.  We live on but his choice haunts ever day of our existence.  If he had known how it would leave us he never would have inflicted such pain because he was a gentle and kind person.  His own pain was just too much to bear.  I cannot embrace his choice but I will honour it.  I will also do everything within my power to see that other mothers, sisters, grandparents, and friends do not have to suffer this sort of pain again.  For a glimpse at what we lost visit my picture galay on Facebook.

Learn about suicide.  Learn what you can do to prevent it. If you are in that dark place please reach out for help before you made that final decision.

To help with your learning about suicide visit the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention.  If you need immediate help call your local hospital or 911.



About Peggy Guiler

You just never know what show up on my blog. As the name implies it is about the stuff of life just like Spilt Milk. Everyday events spark thought and contemplation. Special events in the community, the country or the world may strike a cord and get me talking. Sometimes it's about people in my life or circumstances, sometimes about my garden, sometimes about a book or a political issue. Always it's about something I am passionate about. In my business, River of Hope Enterprises (www.riverofhopeenterprises.com), I work as an "Certified Coach" (International Coach Federation), a trainer, consultant and speaker. and as a spiritual director. I also drive a school bus to keep the wolf from the door while I build my business. I love the kids on the bus (most of the time). My family is grown and I have three grandkids who thrill my heart but I don't get to see any of them very often. Circumstances of life have made "family" difficult. My son died by suicide at age 16 in 2000 and the strain on our family relationships since has been huge. Mental health is a field where I worked for almost 22 years and where I still do some consulting and training. That combined with my own battle with depression and my son's death weave together to form some of my greatest soap box items: suicide intervention, suicide bereavement and peer support in mental health are right on the top of my list. Social justice is an underlying passion. Keeping the wolf from the door as a single parent was full-time work and my career path as a journalists was augmented with cleaning contracts, cooking, retail clerk, and bartending. I have known hard work and am grateful for the experience and perspective it has given me. A firmly grounded faith and a passion for learning has now taken me toward a new field as a Spiritual Director and I am soon adding to that a license to marry people. As I move toward retirement I am very aware that I have to keep working so I chose to do things which will meet my modest financial needs and also my love of supporting people in their life journey. Woven into all of this is my love of writing. Trained as a Journalist, and having worked in the field as a freelance news writer for many years, I have a great love for writing. This blog is a new beginning for me. As I hone my skills and begin to form a daily discipline of writing I hope it will lead to more writing in the future.
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One Response to Honouring Pain

  1. sianob says:

    So sad. Xx

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