There I was standing at the door. I had received final instructions from my friends about things to take care of in their home while they vacation in Florida for four months. The snow was falling lightly and the daylight was just beginning to soften the night. With a quick hug and “safe travel” they were gone. As the door closed it I was overcome with the realisation that I was alone.
It’s been almost eight years since I was alone in a house. I had some transition time from my recent break up while I lived in houses with other people who were kind enough to take me in and make me family. Where I am now, they are letting me live in their home while they are away for the winter. It’s time to get myself and my finances in order so I can look for my own place.
I’ve been looking forward to being alone. I was relishing the idea of being able to make my own schedule without having to work around anyone else. The thought of being able to sit in silence while I read, no disturbances while writing or working or turning on the music loud while I do the dishes or have a shower was very appealing but the actual feeling of ALONE hadn’t occurred to me until I closed that door.
The face of the little boy in the Christmas movies, Home Alone, as he ran with terror home from the store, and paid the pizza delivery guy haunted my day. I was disoriented and had a little trouble figuring out what to do next. I took my car in for repair and was afraid the muffler needed replacing. My relief in discovering all it needed was just a little fix was huge because the reality of being truly alone was sinking in. After a seven-month cushion of friends to support me every day, I would no longer have anyone around to talk things over with, share meals or even air with. My chest was caving in and I had no clue what to do next.
A little nap, a meal and some stupid, romantic movies have gotten me through the rest of the day and tomorrow will be a little easier I’m sure. The journey changes moment to moment and I look forward to what is on the horizon even though it’s all a little frightening.